The "Super-Competitive Mommy"

This video, from momversation.com, deals with the competitive nature mothers have with one another in regards to their children and their milestones, accomplishments, etc., etc.

I have to admit, I am competitive. Not in the "my baby is better than your baby" if Colin is doing something another baby isn't at that age, but more like this: "This baby is doing stuff at Colin's age that Colin isn't doing yet. Am I doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with Colin?" Yeah... that kind of competitive. I'm working on that. For many reasons. His sanity and my sanity being the MOST IMPORTANT REASONS WHY!

First of all, you hear the "all babies and kids are different" line all of the time. It may be annoying, but it's totally true. ALL babies and kids ARE different. Even multiple babies who have spawned forth from your own loins are very different. Down to physical and mental milestones of infancy, to how they do in school, to how they do in activities, and the kinds of activities they do. I'm slowly letting go of this and just enjoying the fact that Colin is learning new things everyday and you don't get the time of enjoying it back. I'm learning to savor each moment as it comes.

Part of my problem is I read too much. I read websites that feature milestones for babies, and some say that babies typically start to pull to standing at around 8 months or so. Yeah... so far, for every physical milestone, Colin has been, seriously, one month behind what the 'typical' baby is doing at X month. Then I start to think, is Colin going to do this? Are people going to judge me if my baby isn't doing something that their baby did at X month of life? Then you read another website and they have it at another month. This adds to confusion, and then you realize there's a WIDE range of normal.


Then, I add real life to the reading, then it sends me to a tizzy. For example, Colin has learned to pull himself to standing. A guy with whom I work has a baby who is two months older than Colin has been doing it for quite awhile. In my mind, it wasn't the whole "my baby is better" kind of thing, but more "am I doing something wrong or is something wrong with Colin?" kind of thing.

I then take like 60 steps back to assess the situation and realize I'm being silly and stupid. Babies are different, and just chillax and realize he'll get it when he's ready. As long as he's trying to do things and advancing, he's fine. YOU'LL know when something is wrong.

I think part of the competitive nature comes from mothers who do things a certain way and think if another mother is doing it a different way (though this way is effective and perfectly acceptable), they're not doing it right. Take for example, BREASTFEEDING! Google these words, and you'll find debate that's so heated, it seriously rivals with the political debate in the U.S. at the moment. Some women who are pro breastfeeding will sometimes tell women who are using formula that you're basically poisoning your baby and how could you ever think of doing that, not even considering the reasons why a woman may be feeding the baby formula in the first place.

When I was pregnant, I wanted to breastfeed. For numerous reasons. It was free. I didn't want to deal with bottles. It was better for the baby. It seemed like it would be easier in public if your kid was hungry to just modestly find a way for the baby to eat without the mess of making sure you have enough bottles. I once saw a woman at a Women's Christian conference who was eating lunch while her baby was nursing. She had a blanket over her and I admired her ability to multitask and had this vision during my pregnancy of doing the same. The only time I wanted to deal with bottles was to make sure I had enough breastmilk for the babysitter when I went back to work. Well, what I imagined and what actually came to pass are two different things.

I struggled with breastfeeding. I struggled to a point where I thought I was suffering from post-pardom depression at one point. (I may have been, but I'm FINE NOW, seriously). We brought Colin home, and two days after that, we noticed he had not had his first BM. I had been faithfully feeding him every two to three hours, and at night, he actually slept for 4 hours before crying. Well, one night, he cried and cried, and I nursed and nursed him, only to find that he wasn't settling down at all. In the morning, I called the peditrician because I thought he was constipated. I tried the methods of trying to 'relieve' him, to no avail. I called my sister, who nursed, and she came over and noticed that Colin's lips were dry and that face was sunken in a bit. He wasn't constipated (yes, I know that breastfed babies don't get constipated), he was on the road to dehydration. I remember her telling me to call the right person, and I was in tears as I was trying to feed him. I got advice and took it, and I supplemented with formula in a dropper and nursed, and he FINALLY had a BM. I have never been so happy to see that in all of my life. Then, I was told to nurse, do the dropper, then pump and continue to do this until my milk supply increased. Well, it was such a struggle to try to get him to use a dropper, I ended up giving him a bottle with the amount to use in a dropper, then I nursed. I would pump, only to find that I was getting anything at all.

When my supply did 'increase', it was never enough to be able to sustain him without formula. I did managed to pump an ounce once, but I remember pumping and nursing and supplementing and repeating this, and crying while I was doing all three. Every two to three hours. I realized after some crying sessions, another visit with a lactation consultant to find out he wasn't latching properly, more pumping to limited results, more attempts to nurse and more crying sessions that breastfeeding wasn't going to work for me. I did mention the crying part, right? (haha). I managed to get him to breastfeed for the nine weeks of my maternity leave with what little supply I had, but I stopped when I went back to work. The lack of supply, plus his inability to latch properly, plus the introduction of bottles were just too much. This left me in a fog for the first two months of Colin's life. Two months I will never get back. Breastfeeding, despite its benefits, wasn't working for me nor for Colin. Colin sensed it. I know he did.

Now, I have no regret going to formula. Yes, it's expensive and it's not 'as good' as breastfeeding, but I look at it as my manufactured wet nurse. After I stopped nursing and went to formula, the fog I was in was lifted and it seemed that Colin became happier, or I noticed how happy he was in the first place. I'm not sure, but for me, it was a game-changer. Why do I share this experience? I share this because I think this is the beginning of why I feel this need to 'self-compete'. I also share this because reading is dangerous at times. Google often at your own risk, people.

You see, I felt like such a failure because everything I had read told me breastmilk was best, and formula wasn't good enough. There are people who feel this way, so if you say you're baby is formula-fed, some will think they're better because they breastfeed, when in reality, it's simply not true. This sparks a competitiveness in women, and in turn, some will think 'oh, this woman isn't breastfeeding, I must be better; therefore, my baby will be better.'

It's not that the mother or their baby is better, it's just that their experience, and their baby are different. Celebrate those differences and support them, don't make them feel like they're inferior because of their good, but different parental choices. ALL BABIES are different, and if you worry about the fact that your healthy child isn't doing something another healthy child is, you may miss when there may truly be something wrong.

I'm working on it and I'm getting better. :)