Scientific Method of Raising Children

What's up? I'm Colin.

This is Colin. He's 2. Or 2 1/2, really. I'm not sure, I'm just thankful I don't measure his age in months now, because Maths is really hard. (Yes, I said Maths; what of it?) Also, why do we measure toddler ages in ways that make them seem older? If we don't want them to grow so fast, because you have fifty billionity people telling you these years just go by oh so fast, then why do we have to add that half year (if applicable)? Meh, another topic for another day.

Raising children, I've decided, is like having your own science experiment. This comparison, while apt, is actually scary because I sucked in science class. Science involves the maths, so, of course, I'm going to suck at it. YAY! This means raising a child is really hard, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

Well, as parents, we ALL use the scientific method, whether we realize it or not. Oh, you forget what the scientific method is, don't you? Don't fret, padawans, for we have THE INTERNETZZZ to help us.

The scientific method is as follows:
Ask a question.
Do background research.
Construct a hypothesis.
Test hypothesis.
Analyze data and draw a conclusion.
Communicate results.

Thank you, Google, for letting me give these fine people the impression I remember the scientific method which was probably taught to me in third grade.

So, parents (and future parents), this method is definitely used in rearing a child.
For example, let's say you have an infant, and you want him or her to sleep through the night. You will ask yourself, "How do I get my baby to sleep through the night?"

Then, as a parent (maybe just me), you spend endless hours searching Google hits on how get your baby to sleep through the night. You'll read websites and books filled with doctor- and psychologist-approved research on the best methods of how to get an infant to sleep at night. You'll also read copious amount of messageboards with posts from parents like these: "Ooooh, my child went to sleep just by snapping my fingers", "Nonono, you need to co-sleep!" (co-sleeping means keeping the child in room with you in a crib-like thingy that's attached to your bed) "Don't let her cry it out; THAT'S CHILD ABUSE!" "I've never had a problem with my infant sleeping at night; we're thinking of enrolling him in Harvard!" "Oh, I just let him cry it out; he has to realize that we're not always going to be there!"

So, now that you've read and read and read and read and read on how to get your child to asleep, you decide to pick a way that seems to work for you. You then go back and read copious amounts of research on how that method is the BEST METHOD. After this, you say I'm going to TRY THIS. I'M SURE IT WILL WORK.

Then, you try it. You follow what everyone tells you to do with this method night after night after night after night after night...38 days later, you want to give up. You want to throw in the towel, throw away the 3950343 books you bought on this method,  throw things at every. single. person. who said this worked on the first try... you get the idea.

You draw the conclusion that you were hoodwinked. You bought this stupid crap they were selling on the internet, hook, line and sinker. You just wanted your baby to sleep. You bought the 59304390 gadgets they told you to buy, and somehow, mysteriously, it didn't work after... wait, how many days has it been since I last slept?

Now, you go back to the internets, posting about how this method sucks on all messageboards you can find. You tell any poor, frightened pregnant woman you find, in your lack of sleep, hair-crazed rage, that if you use this method, you will SURELY DIE. You organize rallies on how this method is a complete rip-off. You call the Better Business Bureau to complain on the poor business practices of the company who tried to sell you this method.

Then, you go back to the beginning, find another method to swear your allegiance to, and try it again.

You repeat this process with everything that involves a major milestone of your child's life.


Then they wonder why you want to IMMEDIATELY kick them out of the house as soon as they turn eighteen. :)