Socially Awkward Not Tuesday: How Do I Have Friends?

Okay, it's not Tuesday! However, if I don't do this today, I'll never do it. I have this knack of not following through on things. . . I'll elaborate on that later. Anyhoo...

I often wonder how I have managed to have made friends in the 32 years I've graced this planet. I will present to you the following reasons why. . . 

1). I hate small talk, and as a result, I've never really learned how to do it properly. For example, subjects I know a lot about, or I should say I'm interested in, aren't exactly conducive to 'small talk'. You know, things like politics and religion. Also, I don't watch a lot of television. There is exactly one show that I really follow, and that is Glee. From what I seem to understand, people either like it or hate it, so you wouldn't exactly be able to engage in small talk about a subject you hate, and if you love Glee like I do, this means it goes waayyyy past the small talk phase and into long conversation territory, when at this point, you just don't have that kind of time, and quite frankly, neither do I. There are shows that I probably would like if I watched them more, but I just don't. This means you can't share any fun things about those shows, because I don't get the inside jokes. Also, I hate "How are you?" as a greeting as opposed to an inquiry. There's nothing worse than walking somewhere, and an acquaintance, as a form of greeting says, "How ya doing?" as opposed to just saying, "Hello!" You just want to greet me, asking me how I'm doing as a greeting is just another five seconds you've wasted when I say I'm good, because I have to ask how you're doing as well.  There's a lesson here. DON'T USE HOW ARE YOU AS A GREETING! I do appreciate people genuinely wanting to know how I'm doing, though. I know what you're thinking; there's always the weather, right? Well, those who read this know me, and well, without elaborating, I'll just say it isn't. I can carry on small talk about the weather; however, the voice inside my head is saying a LOT more than what I'm saying out loud. It makes me feel awkward.

Dear sea gull, A LOT is two words!

2)a. Let's say we've managed to get past the awkward small talk, and we actually have an amicable relationship of some kind. It could be a friendship, or you're in conversation with a family member. I'm not always the best judge of when I've said too much. Granted, I know in OBVIOUS situations (mostly), when it's best to be quiet and when it's best to talk, but in my opinion, it's not always obvious. For example, I have this ability to think of well-constructed theories about certain things in a very short period of time. One well-constructed theory is that boys have cooties. The reason is because I believe that boys, at a very early age, contract metaphorical "cooties" when they irritate me for any reason. Some boys have a chronic case of cooties, while some boys only have a breakout on occasion. The more irritating the boy is, the more cooties they have. To be fair, I don't discriminate; girls are the same way, only instead of saying they have "cooties", I simply say they're "icky". I've said this to someone once, and they've replied with comments such as, "You have too much time on your hands!", or "How long did it take for you to come up with that one?" In all honestly, I didn't really put a lot of thought into this theory; I was just able to think of it in a relatively short period of time. This serves a person well with a person who majored in English, but it doesn't necessarily serve a person well in conversation.

b. When I get started, I tend not to think about other people around me. I think this stems from being the youngest of my immediate family. I come from a relatively big family, and since I'm already socially awkward, I tend to believe I need to fight for position, so to speak, when in reality, it's not really the case. As a result, I don't always know when to shut up, and I don't always know that, urm... other people would like to talk as well. It's especially awkward when I've been a victim of being cut off by other people quite frequently, but in return, when it's my turn to speak, I go on and on and on and on and on and on and on, and some poor person just wants to get a word in as well.

 3). My procrastination leads to NOT writing thank you notes for occasions that proper etiquette books say you should write thank you notes. Things like weddings, showers, and other occasions where it's probably a good idea to write them. There's nothing that makes a person appear ungrateful than committing this faux pas. I've also been advised to say that I'm not alone; this happens more and more these days. I would also say this is kind of generational, because this would be something past generations wouldn't even think of doing. With the internets, it's easier to write on someone's facebook wall than it is to buy envelopes, write a message catered to a person, put cards in envelopes, put addresses on envelopes, put stamps on envelopes, then FINALLY, mail the thank you notes. Heck, I'm seriously not opposed to getting a wedding invitation via a facebook invite, but apparently THAT is still a faux pas. I also not-so-secretly wish facebook was around in 2003, because the only thing that would have stopped me from inviting you to my wedding via facebook invitation would have been my family telling me how tacky that is. In all seriousness, though, I AM grateful for all of the things people do for me, whether it be for big events in my life, or for the everyday things. I'm just horrible at expressing it.

 4). I'm a hermit. It's not like I hate going to all places, but I'd say like ninety percent of the time, if I had a choice between staying home or going to some event with a lot of people I don't know, I'll choose staying home. I'm pretty sure this is genetic; I remember my grandmother being the exact same way. Genetics aside, though, I'm uncomfortable going to social events with large amounts of people I don't know because of the previously mentioned reasons why I wonder how I have friends. Sometimes, I have to be coaxed into going to these places, and my inability to relax prevents me from having the best time I could possibly have. This is increasingly harder to do now since I have a child, so I suck it up as much as possible.

5). This one is closely related to the one where I don't know how to shut up, but I don't always know when it's the best time to join a conversation. I see a group of people I like, I join them in conversation by commenting on the last thing I heard before joining it. That doesn't always produce the best results. It leads to people asking themselves, "Why is she here?", or "What is SHE talking about?" This leads to me not-so-gracefully leaving the conversation as I've entered it. I see that I was clearly a. not a part of the conversation, b. not entirely welcome in a conversation that's been ongoing; therefore, I have no idea what they're talking about and c. they're not going to rehash the entire conversation just because I'm there now.

  6). I'm in a restaurant. The waiter or waitress brings my food to the table. He or she tells me to enjoy my food. I reply with, "Thanks, you too!" You know, because THAT person is going to be able to enjoy YOUR food. This awkward situation of not thinking of what to say before you say can also be explained quite well in the video below. I tend to say things before thinking about them a lot. I'd say more than the average person. PLEASE HEAR ME! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY! I'LL SHOUT IT IF I HAVE TO, BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO BE HEARD! HEAR ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME, PLEASE!!! This one is also closely related to 2b.

In conclusion, kids, if you think this is waaayyy too long, just remember that I told you I have the ability to think of well-constructed theories in a relatively short period of time. Yes, that's a matter of opinion. You WERE warned!

Do any of you have situations that arise where you think how do YOU have any friends?